Me, LIFE and whatsoever that comes in between PT II

As I awake,

turn myself around,

you’re still asleep.

I look in your closed eyes,

as I realize

I’m in a different place,

and this is not your face I see.

What has become of me?

Cuz I pretend I sleep

with memories..

a picture in my head,

that keep’s me far from dead,

at least,

at least I’ll fall asleep.

How do you do it?

How could you kill me when I’m already dead

and you take away

the only heart I had

and leave me with somebody else,

with somebody else…..

But still at night,

I hear you cry

I sing your lullabies,

and I’ve become a ghost of you.

Im not alone,

but I dont have you.

Flight later in the evening, had quite a good sleep yesterday. Tho i was waken up at 0830hrs; due to reasons that couldnt be avoided. Had a big brunch, roti canai then nasi goreng ayam with Tareq, and then I questioned why was he awake so early. I got my answer str8 away. He wasnt feeling that good, I didnt know how to comfort him because im not in the position to like advice him as I didnt turn up to as expected. All I could say dude, chill and dont think about it so much. The more you do the more fucked up it gets. Let it go, dont let it burden you. Ignorance is bliss.

Weird, got this call saying "..your account has been overdued, please make payment to avoid account to be barred.." To think I’ve just made payment 2 days ago.

Anyways, was out yesterday chilling out at Ara Damansara. Nice place. I figured that its quite a new area as there were only like 2 mamaks. And the road wasnt properly done up, alot of construction everywhere. Thought I’d meet people out of the circle, but hey I guess the the life I’m in; the circle is just so small. Everyone just seem to know everyone. I must next time do extra homework.

I’m back at my parents, going off with dad soon to mum’s office and as normal, daddy is taking his own sweet time already my pick up is at 1730hrs. And need to rush to the Celcom Customer Service to settle some shit. Cash flows. Sigh. Got to rush back home, get ready for my flight. I’ve not even packed! Altho there is not really nothing to pack, because its only just a lay-over flight. Penang.

You’ve found your new love,

love is just a word,

a word that has no meaning,

and yet I fell for it.

So now im heading to a dark road,

a lonely road,

there aint no turning back.

I’ve done my part in your life,

and now someone has taken over,

im backing off,

heading back to the streets of emptiness.

Somehow someway somewhere I’ll find my way,

to face the bitter reality,

to face the world again,

this time alone.

I’ll leave you with your new life,

hoping that you’ll find happiness,

within yourself,

and your love one.

Forgive me for my mistakes,

as I forgave yours before I knew.

But one thing that you’ve taught me,

could forgive but could never forget.

I’ll never forget as it really scarred me deep,

a scar that could never heal.

I’ll never fall in love the way I did with you,

that’s one promise I’m gonna hold on to,

cuz no matter what,

you would be my only one and true love.

Take care my sweet lil cuppy cake,

think of me as the sky,

the moon or the sun,

that’s always above you,

watching you and looking after you.

From the bottom of my broken heart,

I LOVE YOU.

Yay! Im claiming for my FOC ticket soon. Im going for a holiday for a week! Supposedly with my mum, but my mum pulled back. SO its just gonna be me alone! I guess I deserve this holiday! Just need to rest my head. Altho I’ve always been on a holiday but this time its just gonna me. Sad but yea. I dont know, but if I cud drag along someone (you know who) I would love for him to come. If not nahh, nevermind. I’ll just go.

Its not yet confirm, but when my roster comes out, then i’ll know. I would have to mutual my flights away. I request for some off days, so thats not much flight for me to mutual. Ehehe, SO so so so. I need to start saving up for awhile., ALtho its nxt month. Atleast save 300 pun cukup. Jut incase laa. hmmm, at my parents place now, everyone is here. Heading home in abit, I’ve got flight in the morning tmrw! Roster is bad!

Today, i brokedown. I think its time for me to go. Far away from everything. Somewhere no one could find me. Somewhere people dont know my identity.

I questioned myself, what am I still doing here? What am I still hoping for knowing at the end of the day, decisions has been made and its not gonna change. Whatever I do now just wont change anything. So why am I still trying? Why cant I just leave everything behind? Why is it so damn fucking hard? It hit me then, its because the love I have is too strong and too deep, that I did not leave any single bit for myself. Thats one big mistake.

I honestly feel like giving up on everything. I want to go somewhere where I could create a new me. Somewhat like rebirth or reborn. Or prolly just go back in time and then stop. I always tell myself and others, not to fall so deep because at the end of the day you would just get hurt, but this time I finally felt it! It hurts like fucked! To think you’ve planned and thought of a few things for the future, and it just crashes down just like that. Aim high, shoot low. But I guess I aim high and shot high as well.

Sad, sad, sad.   

Love is all a game,

a game of feelings,

a game I thought I mastered,

somehow or rather I still have not.

Experience I had before taught me alot,

but this experience taught me more,

more about love.

I took love seriously,

too serious that it got me to pain,

to hurt.

I thought love was beautiful,

I thought love had no pain because beatiful aint suppose to be painful,

but I was fooled,

fooled with my feelings,

that led me to insanity,

led me back to step one,

and most of all led me to loneliness.

Why must love exists?

To think that at the end of the day you just hurt.

Why must love hurt?

To think its the most wonderful feeling you could ever imagine.

And why must love go?

To think it comes and promises to stay.

So is love something beautiful,

or is it ugly,

or is it both beautiful and ugly,

or could it be beautiful at first and ugly at the end.

What is love actually?

If it was a color,

would it be red or pink,

maybe blue or black.

If it was a flower,

would be roses of lilies,

or maybe hibiscus or the poisoness raflesia.

And if it was a feeling,

would it be happy or sad,

perhaps anxiety or hurt.

Never fall for love,

if you are not ready,

never take chances,

if you are not willing,

and never go to deep,

it shows your weaknesses.

Deal your cards right,

and the game would be smooth.

You win if you show strength,

you lose if you show weaknesses.

Take it from here,

love is just a game,

never take it seriously.

I couldnt think of a title! 

Yesterday was ok, sad but ok. Important ppl came. Which is good. It was like a small gathering of my friends and immediate family. At Shakey’s TTDI. Sorry for the one who I didnt get to txt that night. The original party plan was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. Again I’m sorry. Again who came for the gathering thank you so much. It cheered me up a lil’ bit altho I was feeling so down and fucked but I was trying my best to pull a MARIAH, LOL. Smile no matter what. At the end of the gathering I felt a lil sad. (pathetic eyy..?) But yea, I did. I finally saw in your eyes; that you really want it to end. There’s no turning back anymore. So to whoever who cheered me up yesterday, thank you so much. I really needed it. Especially to Barry who really made me my day in Franggi’s on friday nite. LOL. ("…biarlah rahsia…")

So again, after the gathering a couple of us when for a karaoke session. I swear I sang my lungs out! You could imagine rite?  Every song from A - Z. Just name it! And besides me everyone else sang as well., and me and Barry realized that well I’ve got bunch of depressing friends! LOL! None of the songs we pick were so called happy songs. Every song has a story towards it! Its funny that everyone was singing as tho everyone is going thru the same shit! But altogether it was great yea guys? Altho I had a long face and a tearing period for about 10 minutes but well, hope you guys understand.

After karaoke, we didnt know where to head, teh rest of them went to Square to chill, while me and Barry had to seetle some issues with Fizul. He wanted to use my car. Thats all. And then we head to Square chilled for awhile and head to Playaz. Snooker. To think I havent touch snooker for years! And as normal I lost. I could never aim str8. Its hard and plus the fact my lenses was drying up! (alasan..) Came back around 0415HRS. And Onn wasnt even back from clubbing. IMAGINE! That slut! Colored my hair and slept off after coloring hair session was settled. At that very moment before I slept I missed someone badly! Miss the scent of his body. Miss everything. Sadly I fell asleep with the feeling of missing.

Woke up around 1000 HRS bcuz ppl were calling me like hell! It was so irritating but yea! Couldn’t sleep back, so chilled for awhile and then had lunch at KJ. And dropped him back and wanted to head to KL, but plans changed I went to Subang. Pick up Barry and Tareq and chilled for awhile. Supposedly to meet up with someone at Pyramid and again plans change. He has alot things to deal with now so I dont think I should like push my luck to slot myself in his schedual anyways!

So that was my day. How bout yours? Was it a good day? Mine was just so obvious that I didnt had any hala tuju! LOL! 

Everything has ended. Everything that I dreamt off, everything that was the best in my entire life. As what they said "first cut is the deepest". I guess what I’ve done before has no meaning what so ever. Just someone came in the picture and swept you away. Far away from me. And knowing more of the truth makes me hate you so much, but my hate for you will never beat the love i have for you. I guess I tried to hard to make everything right but in your view I was actually making everything worst! I’d never thought you would actually do something like that and left me. You didnt even wanna try anymore. Sacrifices has been made, but its me you sacrificed, the person who was with you through everything, thick and thin. Comparing to someone who you barely know.

I guess now I know where I stand in your life, nothing but a bird that pass you. The bird flew away and you didnt come chasing it. Instead you chased another bird. Its time for me to move on with my life. It will definitely take an easier time for you as you are so infatuatedly in love with this other bird, but for me its gonna be hard. I gave you everything I had, this is what I get in return. I guess I should just not expect anything from anyone anymore. My trust has been broken. Sometimes I wonder why didnt I leave you when you admit half the truth. Then my mind said, because among all the bad sides you have, your good sides always wins.

Its seems so easy for you that all this is happening.

I just wish for the both of you to be happy. I’ll love you no matter what, and If im given the chance to make everything better I would take the chance. As long as I’m still around, I’ll always be there, but when its time for me to go, I’ll go. And I wont return.

Take care my sweet lil angel. 

24th of July, at MIRI, and im at the crew lounge looking thru my roster. It sucks by the way.

Its been a tough month man! Ive never felt so happy and fucking kick down below the ground at the same time?! I honestly dont know what to feel anymore, im so numb. My bday is coming up and im actually looking forward to it., but something is just not right! Or is it just me! I still feel that something is just not right., LOL

I’ve got so many things in my mind that i know i’ve not settled it fully, but signs are showing not to even settle it because it would just get worst. Well what am i suppose to do? let it drift away just like that? I cant afford to and i honestly dont have the strength to. Its like your trying to clear of a stain which u know it would never go away, and you still try til you get so tired of trying but you still wanna try kinda thingy. Get it?

And stresses me more is that im doing a party but I dont know who is actually coming? Nanti i masak byk2 lak orang tak datang. I dont get it when I said in my txt, pls confirm with me asap. But masak je la kan? sape dpt makan dpt, sape tak dpt im so sorry, will try to get some extra food later on. Kan?

hmm, well im heading back to my room now. Need to get some rest, wake up call is at 1350 tmrw.., will update back soon!

Your body is warm but you are not,

you give a little not a lot,

you coup your love until we kiss,

you’re all I want but not like this.

Im watching you disappear,

but you,

you were never here.

Its only your shadow,

never yourself,

its only your shadow,

nobody else,

its only your shadow,

arriving to late,

and leaving to soon,

leaving to soon.

Your body gives but then holds back,

the sun is bright, the sky is black.

Can only be another sign,

I cant keep what isn’t mine.

Your laughter, it lingers on,

but you,

you were almost gone.

How can I tell if you mean what you say,

you say it so loud but you sound far away,

maybe I had just glimpse of your soul,

or was that the shadow I saw on the wall.

So Im watching you disappear,

but you,

you were never here.

Its only your shadow,

never yourself,

its only your shadow,

nobody else,

its only your shadow,

here in the room,

arriving to late,

and leaving to soon,

leaving to soon.

It was only your shadow.